Watching Self

As I focus in on and attempt to isolate this entity that is known as 'self' the more revealing it becomes of how 'self' manifests in, and the degree of infuence it has in one’s life situation. There seems to be this  pattern of 'self' that is entrenched in the mind that runs on automatic. I sense that  self feels under constant threat from the world as it arises in my day to day circumstance. The phone rings with a wrong number, I immediately think it might be someone trying to annoy me, get at me or undermine my sense of peace and comfort. I become aware of this after the fact and in the light of another’s observation. Not a totally unrational thought but unnecessary and unhelpful in the scheme of things. At first I even deny this is the case, "paranoia is not the reaction of a liberated person" I think. So even as the self is revealed in action it comes back in to deny further that insight. The insidious nature of this mind pattern makes me realise how much of a challenge is put forward to see this thing.

I have been experimenting with calling ‘self’ something  else in an attempt to give my observation of it another perspective. I refer to it as the ‘I’-thought/mind, to bind it into a kind of group of words that describe the best way I know, of what it appears to be.

 The  ‘I’-thought/mind is uncomfortable, the ‘I’-thought/mind is fearful, the ‘I’-thought/mind is protective of it’s self.  The ‘I’-thought/mind has it’s limits.

The ‘I’-thought/mind is offended, something is challenging  ‘I’-thought/mind. I-thought/mind is on a roll, everything inside and out is supporting its reality. The world supports I-thought/mind. Ownership and authorship are attributes, of the I-thought/mind.   Looking into it deeply the ‘I’ appears only at best as a dimensionless point in a vast endless expanse, but ‘I’-thought/mind has given ‘I’ substance and sustenance.

When the light or attention or awareness of intense looking is shone on ‘I’-thought/mind there appears to be a little space around it, it does not impose quite so closely on the organism. One feels a little lighter, less burdened by the heavy ‘self’. As Eckhart Tolle would say. I know that is not good enough.

Intro

I have started this blog to post some sort of record of the journey I have taken into the enquiry of ‘self’. This is a very personal journey because that’s all it can be and if it is of interest to anyone else, well so be it. The whole purpose of such a blog is to set up a situation where I can be as honest and straight as possible in what I write, with little of the sense of the threat of self- imposed censorship born from the fear of what others will think of my efforts, content, veracity of my ideas or my writing style. This is a very important point as it is the most brutal manifestation of self in my life situation, the  fear of what others may think of me. The posts at this stage will of course be what Jed McKenna would call “truth talk in the dream state” but as a  University tutor once told to me “you have know you are in prison to get out of prison”.